Posts tagged: Nero Wolfe

Man Alive and Archie’s Age

By Dave, August 24, 2009 4:53 pm

Another Wolfe List post that I thought I would archive here.

While rereading Man Alive today, I noticed that another hint about Archie’s age shows up in this one.

Page numbers taken from Three Doors To Death – the Bantam Reissue Edition paperback first published March 1995, 8th printing.

————

First clue is on page 38 where Wolfe is talking to Cynthia and telling her he wants the folks that have keys to the business there in his office that evening.  She replies as follows:

 ”But good lord.”  She was flabbergasted.  “I can’t just order them around!  What can I say?  I can’t say I want them to help find out who killed my uncle because they don’t know it was my uncle?  You must consider they’re much older than I am – all but Bernard – and they think I’m just a fresh kid.  Even Bernard is seven years older.  After all, I’m only twenty-one – that is I will be – my God!”

And she goes on to say that her birthday is the next day.

The next clue is on page 41 where Archie is in Bernard Daumery’s office just after being introduced to Bernard.

Cynthia’s statistics had informed me that he was four years younger than me, and I might as well concede them to him.

So Cynthia is 21, Bernard is 7 years older than her, or 28, and 4 years younger than Archie, which would put Archie at 32.  Unless the ever literal Archie is figuring her age at 20 due to her birthday being the next day which would put him at 31. 

To link this to my previous post about Archie’s age, I noticed that “Man Alive” was written in 1947 and “In The Best Families” was written in 1950.  So if he was 31 or 32 in MA then he would be “about” 34 in ITBF.

Though I do agree that Stout has Archie’s age pegged at somewhere around 30 throughout the corpus, I find it interesting that he kept the time-line consistent through these two stories.

A couple of points about “In the Best Families”

By Dave, August 23, 2009 1:51 pm

The following is a post I just made to the Wolfe Mailing List and thought it would be good to archive here.

Hello All,

Even though I know that today (8/23/09) we are supposed to start (not) discussing “Man Alive” from “Three Doors to Death “, I thought I would post this about the book we just finished (not) discussing. :-)

Just reread In the Best Families and noted a couple of points that I thought were interesting. I seem to remember at least some of this coming up in discussion before but a quick search in my very limited email archives didn’t show anything so thought I would post this.

The copy I read this time was the Bantam paperback 8th printing printed in Sept 1984, and that’s what the page numbers I am giving are based on.

—————–

The first bit I noted was on the first page of the first chapter and is related to Archie’s salary. The person Archie is talking about is Mrs. Barry Rackham, who has called and wants to see Wolfe on business. The relevant text is as follows:

On the main point of interest, could she and did she pay her bills, the news was favorable: she was worth a good four million and maybe five. Calling it four, and assuming that Wolfe’s bill for services rendered would come to only half of it, that would be enough to pay my current salary – as Wolfe’s secretary, trusted assistant and official gnat – for a hundred and sixty-seven years; and in addition to that, living as I did there in Wolfe’s house, I also got food and shelter. So I was fixed for life if it turned out that she needed two million buck’s worth of detective work.

So in a round about way he tells us how much he makes a year. 2 million divided by 167 is $11976.05 if we round up and $11976.04 if rounding down. From that I am assuming he means he makes $12,000.00 a year which breaks down to an even $1,000.00 a month but if taken even further and divided by weeks is not quite so even and comes to $230.77 a week. Any way you figure it, in 1950 dollars that is a nice little pay check.

I used the Consumer Price Index based financial calculator at http://www.minneapolisfed.org/ to do a bit of figuring on what he would be bringing in today. According to the site the following is how they do the calculation.

The CPI for 1950 = 24.1
The CPI for 2009 = 213.2

And they use the following formula to compute the calculation:
2009 Price = 1950 Price x (2009 CPI / 1950 CPI)

So that means his weekly pay now would be $2041.50 = $230.77 x (213.2/24.1)

Which would put his yearly salary at $106,157.68. Not bad for a gum shoe! And that’s NOT figuring in room and board which in New York City would be a hefty sum!

—————–

The second bit that jumped out at me this time through the book is that Archie tells his age! Or at least comes as close as any time “I” remember in the Corpus. On page 17 Leeds is talking about the folks they will meet at the Mrs. Rackham’s house, and says:

“You and me,” he said, “and my cousin and her husband, and Mrs. Frey, whom you have met, and Hammond, and the statesman, that’s seven-”
“Who’s the statesman?”
“Oliver A. Pierce.”
“I’m intimate with lots of statesmen, but I never heard of him.”
“Don’t let him know it.” Leeds chuckled. “It’s true that at thirty-four he has only got as far as state assemblyman, but the war made a gap for him the same as for other young men. Give him a chance. One will be enough.”

Then on page 19 Archie tells us:

Pierce was a smooth article. His manner was, of course, based on the law of nature regulating the attitude of an elected person toward everybody old enough to vote, but his timing and variations were so good that it was hard to recognize it, although he was only about my age.

And goes on with Pierce’s description, but the above was the part that interested me. Archie is telling us that he is about 34 years old. Now the first book in the series, Fer-de-Lance, was written in 1933 and this one, In the Best Families, was written in 1950, which gives us 17 year’s between them. Extrapolating from the above statements that he is 34, he would have been 17 when the first story came out and would have been born in 1916, neither of which fit in with other bits from elsewhere in the corpus. So either he is not telling the truth about his age (Not that Archie would EVER prevaricate!) or as has been discussed in far greater depth than I am prepared to go into here, Stout changed their ages to suit his self as the series progressed. As I said just a point I found interesting.

All in all a very good read and I quite enjoyed rereading it.

Comments, corrections, and discussion welcomed.

Dave
AKA Albert Freyer

Black Orchids – June 1992 Bantam Reissue 4th Printing – For Sale

By Dave, May 31, 2009 11:58 am

This book is for sale at: http://www.bonanzle.com/booths/depatty/items/Black_Orchids___By_Rex_Stout_1992_Reissue_4th_Printing

rsblackorchids4th1992
rsblackorchids4th1992back

Black Orchids – June 1992 Bantam Reissue
Copyright 1941 and 1942 By Rex Stout
A Bantam Book
Bantam Reissue… June 1992
This is a 4th printing.
Creasing to spine and front cover. Some corner and edge bumping. Inside covers browning. Pages tight. Some corners turned. No stamps or markings. Good copy.

Contents
Introduction by Lawrence Block
Black Orchids
Cordially Invited To Meet Death

Rear Cover Intro:

BLACK ORCHIDS

Nero Wolfe has left his comfortable brownstone for the promise of a remarkably black orchid at a flower show — but before Wolfe and his perennially hardy sidekick, Archie Goodwin, have a chance to stop and smell the roses, a diabolically daring murder takes place right under their noses and puts a blight on the proceedings. Now Wolfe’s fancy turns to thoughts of weeding out a murderer — one who’s definitely not a garden-variety killer. Only then will Wolfe be ready to throw his weight into a second thorny case, involving a rich society widow bedeviled by poison-pen letters — and a poisonous plot as black as Wolfe’s orchids… with roots that are even more twisted.

Salvation Army mystery finds

By Dave, May 12, 2009 11:23 am

Went to the local Salvation Army yesterday (Monday May 11, 2009) and came home with a pile of mysteries including 9 paperbacks by Rex Stout and one hardback by Goldsborough. Will get them scanned and up for view asap. For now here are a couple of pictures of the lot to drool over… ;-)

Nero Wolfe and Red Threads Salvation Army finds
Nero Wolfe and Red Threads Salvation Army finds

Assorted mysteries Salvation Army finds
Assorted mysteries Salvation Army finds

Some of these will be put up for sale at Bonanzle. When I get them up I’ll post the page links here for anyone interested.

The Ortega Chronicles: The Wold Newton Universe

By Dave, January 12, 2009 12:44 pm

The Ortega Chronicles: The Wold Newton Universe

The Wold Newton Universe
On December 13, 1795, a meteorite fell from the sky and landed in Wold Newton, East Riding Yorkshire. Breadth was twenty eight inches, length was thirty six inches, and it’s weight was fifty-six pounds. This is historical fact.

Science Fiction author, Philip Jose Farmer, suggested that the meteor was radioactive. Two passing coaches were in the vicinity and the radiation caused genetic mutations in the people inside the coaches. Many of their descendants were thus endowed with extremely high intelligence and strength, as well as an exceptional capacity and drive to perform good, or, as the case may be, evil deeds. The descendants included Sherlock Holmes, Professor Moriarty, Doc Savage, one of his assistants, Monk Mayfair, The Shadow, G8, Phileas Fogg, Sir Denis Nayland Smith, Fu Manchu, The Avenger, The Spider, Nero Wolfe, Philip Marlow, Travis McGee, among others. Thus, The Wold Newton Family came to be.

Interesting concept. There is a bit more about this in the blog post this excerpt was taken from as well as a series of stories utilizing this concept on the site. Haven’t read any of them yet but am planning to asap.

Nero Wolfe Radio – The Disappearing Diamonds

By Dave, December 29, 2008 9:22 pm

The Adventures Of Nero Wolf – The Disappearing Diamonds (3-09-51)

The Disappearing Diamonds (Aired March 9, 1951)

A bit of information about the shows, the actors appearing in them, and a link to download the show! Good stuff!

Prisoner’s Base – 1952 – Book Club Edition – For Sale

By Dave, August 28, 2008 5:27 pm

To purchase this item see: http://www.specialistauctions.com/auctiondetails.php?id=1199678.

Prisoner's Base - 1952 - Book Club Edition - Front Cover Prisoner's Base - 1952 - Book Club Edition - Back Cover

Copyright 1952 By Rex Stout
The Viking Press
Jacket Design By Bill English

Rear Cover Intro:

When Nero Wolfe turned down the easiest ten-thousand-dollar fee ever offered him, he didn’t expect to get involved in a deadly game – a game that reminded Archie of a grim version of prisoner’s base.
Nor did Archie imagine that he would ever be working so closely with the New York Police.

Inside Front Cover:

Prisoner’s Base
A Nero Wolfe Novel
By Rex Stout

Readers who have long followed the adventures of Nero Wolfe will surely agre not only that this is one of the neatest murder puzzles ever set down by Rex Stout, but also that it is the most exciting, adventure-filled, and breathless story he ever told.
Nero Wolfe has represented some pretty unusual clients in his time, but in this one, his client – believe it or not – is the fast-talking, hard-hitting, skirt-chasing assistant and companion to Nero, Archie Goodwin himself.
We’ll make three bets with you abut Prisoner’s Base: First – you won’t solve it. Second – you’ll agree that no author ever played more fair with his readers. Third – when you finish it, you will feel as if you have been on a forty-eight-hour, breath-taking, danger-filled chase up and down the avenues of New York, into some of Manhattan’s darkest and more terror-filled alleys.

Inside Back Cover:

From The New Yorker
Profile of Rex Stout:

“Nero Wolfe, the fat detective of Rex Stout’s novels, towers over his rivals in one respect: he is a superman who talks like a superman. It is a very tough literary trick to make a mastermind sound like a mastermind. Most of the storybook detectives are to much like the new ultra-scientific calculating machines, which have gorgeous electronic brains for solving problems but no particular talent for dialogue. Genius is the curse of the mystery story. It tends to destroy individuality and drag everybody down to the same level. It is harder to tell intellectual giants apart than Hollywood blonds. Nero, however, is an exceptional character creation – a genius who rises above mediocrity.”

Prisoner’s Base – 1952 – Book Club Edition

Prisoner's Base - 1952 - Book Club Edition - Front Cover Prisoner's Base - 1952 - Book Club Edition - Back Cover

Copyright 1952 By Rex Stout
The Viking Press
Jacket Design By Bill English

Rear Cover Intro:

When Nero Wolfe turned down the easiest ten-thousand-dollar fee ever offered him, he didn’t expect to get involved in a deadly game – a game that reminded Archie of a grim version of prisoner’s base.
Nor did Archie imagine that he would ever be working so closely with the New York Police.

Inside Front Cover:

Prisoner’s Base
A Nero Wolfe Novel
By Rex Stout

Readers who have long followed the adventures of Nero Wolfe will surely agree not only that this is one of the neatest murder puzzles ever set down by Rex Stout, but also that it is the most exciting, adventure-filled, and breathless story he ever told.
Nero Wolfe has represented some pretty unusual clients in his time, but in this one, his client – believe it or not – is the fast-talking, hard-hitting, skirt-chasing assistant and companion to Nero, Archie Goodwin himself.
We’ll make three bets with you abut Prisoner’s Base: First – you won’t solve it. Second – you’ll agree that no author ever played more fair with his readers. Third – when you finish it, you will feel as if you have been on a forty-eight-hour, breath-taking, danger-filled chase up and down the avenues of New York, into some of Manhattan’s darkest and more terror-filled alleys.

Inside Back Cover:

From The New Yorker
Profile of Rex Stout:

“Nero Wolfe, the fat detective of Rex Stout’s novels, towers over his rivals in one respect: he is a superman who talks like a superman. It is a very tough literary trick to make a mastermind sound like a mastermind. Most of the storybook detectives are to much like the new ultra-scientific calculating machines, which have gorgeous electronic brains for solving problems but no particular talent for dialogue. Genius is the curse of the mystery story. It tends to destroy individuality and drag everybody down to the same level. It is harder to tell intellectual giants apart than Hollywood blonds. Nero, however, is an exceptional character creation – a genius who rises above mediocrity.”

Homicide Trinity – 1962 Book Club Editon – For Sale

comments Comments Off
By Dave,

To purchase this item see http://www.specialistauctions.com/auctiondetails.php?id=1199608.

Homicide Trinity - 1962 Book Club Edition - Front Cover - For Sale Homicide Trinity - 1962 Book Club Edition - Back Cover - For Sale

Copyright 1962 By Rex Stout
Published in 1962 by The Viking Press, Inc

Contents:
Eeny Meeny Murder Mo – appeared in Ellery Queen’s Mystry Magazine
Death Of A Demon – appeared in the SATURDAY EVENING POST
Counterfeit For Murder – appeared in the SATURDAY EVENING POST under the title of The Counterfeiter’s Knife

Rear Cover Intro:

Eeny Meeny Murder Mo
It was preposterously inconvenient. The outer door was locked as usual, yet there she lay – on Nero Wolfe’s carpet, in Nero Wolfe’s office, strangled by Nero Wolfe’s own necktie!

Death of a Demon
“Here’s the gun I’m not going to use to kill my husband.” That’s what she said. But he was killed, and with that gun, or with one just like it… and Archie Goodwin had tampered with the gun himself.

Counterfeit for Murder
Under suspicion for murder and too angry to deny it, harried Hattie Annis offered 42 grand to Nero Wolfe to make the cops eat dirt. If she was innocent, you can ask her whether he earned his fee.

Inside Cover:

Homicide Trinity
A Nero Wolfe Threesome
By Rex Stout

On the reverse of this jacket you will find the bill of fare for this three-course feast of murder, mystification, and masterful deduction. As his large and loyal fan club will attest, Rex Stout’s famous threesomes are fully as delightful as his book-length novels, which is to say that they are peerless examples of mayhem de luxe.

Whether you read these stories purely for entertainment and relaxation, or enjoy the challenge of matching wits with Nero Wolfe and his factotum, Archie Goodwin, here once again is the creme de la creme of crime presented for your pleasure.

Jacket Design By Bill English

Homicide Trinity – 1962 – Book Club Edition

comments Comments Off
By Dave,

Homicide Trinity - 1962 - Book Club Edition - Front Cover Homicide Trinity - 1962 - Book Club Edition - Back Cover

Copyright 1962 By Rex Stout
Published in 1962 by The Viking Press, Inc

Contents:
Eeny Meeny Murder Mo – appeared in Ellery Queen’s Mystry Magazine
Death Of A Demon – appeared in the SATURDAY EVENING POST
Counterfeit For Murder – appeared in the SATURDAY EVENING POST under the title of The Counterfeiter’s Knife

Rear Cover Intro:

Eeny Meeny Murder Mo
It was preposterously inconvenient. The outer door was locked as usual, yet there she lay – on Nero Wolfe’s carpet, in Nero Wolfe’s office, strangled by Nero Wolfe’s own necktie!

Death of a Demon
“Here’s the gun I’m not going to use to kill my husband.” That’s what she said. But he was killed, and with that gun, or with one just like it… and Archie Goodwin had tampered with the gun himself.

Counterfeit for Murder
Under suspicion for murder and too angry to deny it, harried Hattie Annis offered 42 grand to Nero Wolfe to make the cops eat dirt. If she was innocent, you can ask her whether he earned his fee.

Inside Cover:

Homicide Trinity
A Nero Wolfe Threesome
By Rex Stout

On the reverse of this jacket you will find the bill of fare for this three-course feast of murder, mystification, and masterful deduction. As his large and loyal fan club will attest, Rex Stout’s famous threesomes are fully as delightful as his book-length novels, which is to say that they are peerless examples of mayhem de luxe.

Whether you read these stories purely for entertainment and relaxation, or enjoy the challenge of matching wits with Nero Wolfe and his factotum, Archie Goodwin, here once again is the creme de la creme of crime presented for your pleasure.

Jacket Design By Bill English

College Roomies from Hell!!!

By Dave, August 4, 2008 3:01 pm

College Roomies from Hell!!! Archives

A mention of Wolfe and Archie in the College Roomies from Hell webcomic.

Nero Wolfe – From Wikipedia

By Dave, April 30, 2008 10:12 pm

Nero Wolfe – Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Nero Wolfe is a fictional detective, created by the American mystery writer Rex Stout, who made his debut in 1934. Wolfe’s assistant Archie Goodwin recorded the cases of the detective genius in 33 novels and 39 short stories from the 1930s to the 1970s, with most of them set in New York City. The Nero Wolfe corpus was nominated Best Mystery Series of the Century at Bouchercon 2000, the world’s largest mystery convention, and Rex Stout was nominated Best Mystery Writer of the Century.

Just found this page on Wikipedia about Wolfe. Quite an extensive piece and well worth reading for anyone interested in the Nero Wolfe books or television series.

The Doorbell Rang – October 1971 – Third Printing

By Dave, April 15, 2008 7:11 pm

The Doorbell Rang - October 1971 - Third Printing - Front Cover The Doorbell Rang - October 1971 - Third Printing - Back Cover

A Bantam Book
Copyright 1965 By Rex Stout
New Bantam Printing…October 1971
Third Printing

Contents
The Doorbell Rang

Rear Cover Intro:

No one intimidates Nero Wolfe -
Not even J. Edgar Hoover…
Retained with the unbelievable fee of
$100,000, the portly paragon of detection must
get the FBI off his client’s back. Along comes
Murder and the hottest water
the wizard of 35th street has ever been in.
—–
THE DOORBELL RANG
—–
Superb Suspense with masterly Nero Wolfe
and dapper Archie Goodwin

Death of a Doxy – October 1967 – Second Printing

Death Of A Doxy - October 1967 - Second Printing - Front Cover Death Of A Doxy - October 1967 - Second Printing - Back Cover

A Bantam Book
Copyright 1966 By Rex Stout
2nd Printing…October 1967

Contents:
Death of a Doxy

Rear Cover Intro:

Who killed the kept woman?
Archie discovered the honey-haired corpse on the floor of her plush pink bedroom.
How could a young, out-of-work showgirl afford that $300-a-month suite? That was no mystery.
Who murdered her? Now that was a problem worthy of Nero Wolfe…

Flyleaf:

DEATH OF A DOXY

Poor Orrie Cather. He was being held for a murder he swore he hadn’t committed. Poor Avery Ballou. He’d been paying the rent on the victim’s apartment and if anyone found out, Orrie’d be free and Ballou would be suspect #1. But most of all, poor Isabel Kerr. She was so young, so beautiful, so stone-cold dead.

——-

Then, of course, there was poor Nero Wolfe. Orrie was a friend, Ballou was his client, and the real murderer was playing hard-to-get …

A Family Affair – January 1980 – Second Printing

A Family Afair - 1980 Second Printing - Front Cover A Family Afair - 1980 Second Printing - Back Cover

A Bantam Book
Copyright 1975 By Rex Stout
2nd Bantam Printing…January 1980

Contents:
A Family Affair

Rear Cover Intro:

For Nero Wolfe – the huge, orchid-growing gourmet whose admirable genius at untwisting the tangled knots of crime has no peer – this was one case that came too close to home. The murderer had the sheer nerve to blow up his victim in Wolfe’s Manhattan townhouse. Wolfe was going to solve this one on his own – without a fee – and keep it all in the family.

Ancient lost Longfellow manuscript found deals with Wolfe By Walter E. Doherty

By Dave, April 12, 2008 6:09 pm

Hiawolfa


By the shores of Hudson River,
By the shining Big-wet-Water,
Stood the Brownstone of Neronis,
Father of the Orchids, Neronis.
Dark behind it rose the city,
Rose the black and gloomy buildings,
Rose the towers bright lights upon them;
Bright before them lay the brownstone
Beat the clear and littered streets,
Beat the shining Big-wet-Water.
There the portly old Neronis
Pontificated to his Archie,
Preaching of the records germane,
Germination record keeping.
Who is this, that lights the brownstone?
With his great eyes lights the brownstone?
Many things Neronis taught him
Of the solving mysteries not of heaven;

At the door on summer evenings,
Sat the Archie watching, listening;
To the whispering of the taxis,
To the rushing of the waters,
Waiting for the sounds of clients
Wishing for the sounds of clients
Wanting for the rush of clients
Coming cash-rich to replenish
Replenish funds so now diminished
Since the Tax Man last he Cometh.

Middle English Wolfian Text By Walter E. Doherty


[Middle English fragment of Early Wolfe
Case Recently Discovered in Stout's Files;
probably an ancestor of the present Wolfe,
but then we know he doesn't age.]

Whan that Aprille with his shoures sote
Wolfes droghte with bier hath quenched to the rote,
And bathed every orchid in swich liquor
so as to shew in every lovely flour;
Whan Fritz Brenner eek with his swete spice
Inspired hath in every pot ‘n’ potice
The tendre croppes boiling in a stewwe
and smale fowles waiting two by two.
Than longen folk to goon on pilgramages
To that fierce Wolfe, wisest of the sages,
that holy happy master for to seke
To helpen them who at heart are seke.

Bifel that, in that season on a day
In Booklyn at the tabard as I lay
Redy to wenden to seke his witful aide
To Wolfe I wenten mine case to pleaid.
At night was come in-to the brownston place
of muther foule I broghte myine case.
The goodman Goodwin tolle me not to come
lest all the funds of Fraunce I coulde brung,
But naytheless, whyl I had time and space
I grabbed mine chance to make my case.
Me thinketh it acordaunt to resoun,
to telle yow all, in good season,
as to why I broghte myselfe to thisse state
what murther was it sorely test’d my fate.

A maid there was, and that a worthy quean
that fro the tyme that she first bigeen
to grow, she was the veri mage of chivalrye
And now one was who loveth here more thanne me.
But coldly struck doun and kilt before hir prime
I dearly wont to have aveng’d this crime.

Goodman Goodwin beforth bebroughte me
To Wolfe the master for to very see
And tense in th’ office ’twas that night:
The Tax man had cometh, and muckle bright
gold was gone to support the goberment
And Wolfes wit was wondrous awful spent!

[the fragment runs out here, but it appears
that Wolfe was in a foul mood, and probably
wouldn't take the case.]

Dinner at Wolfe’s, or JabberWolfey By Walter Doherty


‘Twas Brillat, and the Savarin
did toil and trouble at the stove
Escoffier was baking raths
as well as a borogrove.

“Prepare that Caesarean bull,
those horns that pierce, those hooves that toss;
Prepare the Turkey, stuffed and full
and topped with bearnaise sauce!”

He took his Knife and fork in hand:
long time bullish beef he sought–
so rested he by the big pantry,
of seasonings he thought.

And as in stuffed-ish thought he stewed,
the bull’s brought in; ’twas all a-flame,
flambe’d–it was a hot, fine food;
it bubbled as it came.

One, two! One, two! And through and through;
the knife and fork went snicker-snack!
Then he was fed, but then, ’tis said,
for seconds, went galumphing back.

“And have I slain the Caesar’s Bull?
with clams and figs and hams of pigs
O foods galore, and meals I adore!”
He chortled in his joy.

‘Twas Brillat and did Savarin
still toil and trouble at the stove,
And Fritz from ear to ear with grin
was basking in the glow!

“Pulp Fiction”
(”Too Many Capos”) By Patrick C. Baker

It was a clear, cool, dry day, rare for the last week in August in New York. But I was in no frame of mind to enjoy it as I walked up the 8 steps of the old brownstone on West 35th street. I had taken an assortment down to Malden’s apartment on Arbor street, but after half an hour couldn’t get in. He had a Yale lock. Worse, as I was kicking and banging on the door a woman down the hall opened the door a crack, and from the expression on on her face clearly made me as Archie Goodwin.

Continue reading '“Pulp Fiction”
(”Too Many Capos”) By Patrick C. Baker'»

A Visit From The Fuzz By Brian “Have Clemency–No More!” With Addendum By Walter E. Doherty


Twas five minutes to orchids, and all through the ‘Stone
Nero Wolfe was a bellowing, “Leave me alone!”
Propositions proposed by yours truly who’d dared
Were rejected by Nero who hadn’t much cared
For the notion of working when brackets went up;
As long as the balance allowed him to sup;
And Fritz in the kitchen and Theo above
Had just settled down to their labors of love–
When out in the hall there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my desk to see what was the matter.
Away to the front door I ran like an ass,
And peered through the door’s one-way panel of glass.
The sun, and the afternoon shadows that droop,
Allowed me to take in the cop on the stoop;
When what to my wandering eyes should appear,
But a red-faced detective who rose from the rear
With a look in his eyes as if thrown from a flamer,
I knew in an moment that it must be Cramer.
More rapid than subways his curses they came,
And he screamed and he shouted and called us by name:
“Now, Wolfe! hey now, Goodwin! now, Horstmann and Brenner!
I’ve got this here warrant and I wanna enner!
You can do it the easy way or you can clown,
But if it’s the latter, I’ll haul you downtown!”
Unlike leaves that when met with a hurricane fly,
I prefer not to hurry, I wait for the eye;
So up to the greenhouse his curses they flew,
And I stood there grinning, and his anger grew.
And then in a twinkling, I heard from behind,
The creaky old Otis was starting to grind,
As I twisted my bod and was turning around,
I beheld the large form of my boss–it was round.
He was dressed in a yellow shirt, brown was his suit,
Folks, I have to admit, he was really a beaut!
And he moved rather quickly for someone so large,
It was more like a glide as opposed to a charge.
His eyes–how they blazed; his creases, how wary!
When Nero had wanted to, he could look scary!
His thin little lips were drawn up in a line,
And I counted the rolls on his chin–there were nine!
He had a broad face, and his voice, could he bellow!
He wasn’t so tall as much wide as a cello.
He was chubby and plump, a right grouchy old cuss,
And I knew he had come down because of the fuss:
He gave me an eighth of an inch type of nod,
Which for him is a violent movement of bod;
He spoke not a word, but went straight for the door,
And it opened two inches and not an inch more;
And he said, “For a straight jacket, you should be fitted.
Whenever you come here, you won’t be admitted!”
He started to close it, the warrant came to,
But it caught the front edge and it didn’t get through,
And it hangs on the door and it has the whole night,
And Wolfe said, “He’s a bungler–picking a fight!”

————Addendum————–

Cramer put his thumb to his nose and he wiggled a finger
And disappeared up the street where he did not wish to linger.
And he said under his breath as he strode out of sight
“God *bless* you, Wolfe, and *don’t* have a good night.”

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